Oh F my Life, what would I do with my day if I didn’t have you to distract me from work? I can’t imagine the number of darkly comedic hours I have spent on the site, gleaning through the painful snafus of America’s population. It’s actually a quite novel idea: an internet forum solely devoted to the shit that happens in our lives. The all too common errors and horribly ironic incidents that plague modern society. Some call it a practice of social sadism – place for some to take pleasure in the pain of others (and how?) However, others seem this form of cyber-schadenfreude as really an exercise in massive-scale community camaraderie. It’s a place we can go to see that everyone has it bad, or at least you don’t have it as bad as others. We all make mistakes. Terrible accidents, embarrassing situations, and too many drunk exploits – they happen to everyone (present company excluded). Yet, besides from the gleeful giggles and embarrassing posts that fill the pages of FML, there might be something to actually learn from the site. Well…. not exactly learn, but there’s certainly a whole bunch of messages.
You are Bad Parents
How many times have I logged on to FML to see another sob story about someone being neglected by their parents? I’ve seen the worst of it: judgmental parents telling their kids they’re fat, ugly, stupid, or a waste of money; parents who refuse to financially support not only adult children but minors; parents who steal money from their more successful kids; the list goes on and on. If there’s one thing people can learn from FML, it is to NOT be these parents. Parents of the world, the internet is not showing you in a good light. So for the love of god, don’t sell your kid’s car to pay for your manicure; don’t run around naked in your home when you think the kids is away; and stop talking about your sex life! Which brings me to my next point.
Don’t Have Sex
If FML has taught me anything, it’s that sex ends badly. Either your parents walk in or you fall and hit your head or your throw up on the guy/girl or someone says something that ruins the mood. Reading FML is like reading an erotic novel that becomes National Lampoon right before the good stuff. I don’t know what it is about us, America, but if even a fraction of the stuff on FML regarding sex is actually real then maybe we should just stop trying to procreate. Clearly we’re doing something wrong if so much bad, weird, painfully embarrassing, or medically threatening things happen when attempting to gain biblical knowledge of another person (see what I did there?) Case in point? Something I found just today on FML without even trying: “Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML.” Well done!
Boyfriends are Stupid/Men Suck
How many times has this happened to you? You find out that your boyfriend is cheating on you because he accidentally texts you thinking that you’re his “other girlfriend”? On FML, more than you’d think. Gentlemen, have you learned nothing from Tiger Woods? The male population gets a bad name from FML, but we probably deserve it. It astounds me the amount of stupidity that guys can conjure up with their significant others. “Oh how bad can it be?” you ask? Check out this little number: “Today, my ex-boyfriend called and said he wanted to have dinner with me. When I got there, he told me that he wanted to break up with me. I had broken up with him 2 months ago. He thought I was joking. He had been seeing other women anyway. FML.” Come on guys! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry (it usually ends up being both). I can’t imagine the pain we have caused our significant others with utterly stupid remarks or actions. Being serious about playing Modern Warfare 2 on the night of your anniversary instead of going to dinner is not something to be proud of. What about Cheating? You’re all bad at it. I mean at least be sneaky if your going to do it (not that I am advocating for it). Men, shape up! And here’s the kicker: I tried to justify saying the same thing about our female companions. But I can’t. We are disproportionately terrible members of relationships. At most I can say girlfriends break up with men for stupid reasons, but they don’t do stupid things and expect it to be okay! Women, I, as a member of the order of manhood, apologize for the actions of your lecherous husbands, shmuck brothers who record you having relations with your significant others, and your boyfriends who used your breasts as turntables during sex (that one is a personal favorite story of mine for its audacity).
Every Time You Drink, Everything You Touch Dies
Hyperbole? Only maybe, because it’s a matter of time before a story like that comes along where because you were drinking, some guy inexplicably explodes. It seems like every time someone drinks on FML, even in moderation, the entire world implodes. It can lead to hilarious results like waking up with your boyfriend in your neighbor’s house. Or end terribly by drunk dialing your ex-boyfriend and choking on your cellphone. Maybe Prohibition should be re-instituted because clearly we have not learned how to drink responsibly. So let’s go over the equation: You + alcohol x past relationships ÷ time apart + amount of food eaten^2 = x, where x is ≥50% the destruction and death of Hiroshima.
In the end, FML is a great time waster. And though these are important lessons to remember, there is one overarching thing to learn: we’re human. We do stupid things and make bad mistakes. Everyone does it. And when you think you have things bad, take a few minutes to feel better about yourself or join a community in pain by reading FML.
Digital Gravitas 